So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
