God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
