i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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