True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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