You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
