I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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