I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
