I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
