How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
