Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
