end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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