Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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