well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You're like the curious george of whores
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
