im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
