Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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