my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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