I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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