i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
