she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
