I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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