i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
sex in a hospital.. check
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
