Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
