you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
