Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
