It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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