Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
