Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
