I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
