It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
