took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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