like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
