is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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