living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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