I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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