He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
