Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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