So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
