i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
