I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
