i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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