my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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