Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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