Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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