my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
