I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
