Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
