Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
