I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
