its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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