if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
