I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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