My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
