I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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