So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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