I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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