is your mom at the bar?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
