this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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