so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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