When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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